Most leaders fall into the same trap. They rush to solve. They step in with knowledge, logic, and good intent. Yet every time they do, they weaken the one thing they want to strengthen: the other person’s ability to think, decide, and act. The same applies to thought leadership. Our job is to provoke thinking.
Michael Bungay Stanier’s The Coaching Habit is a gentle intervention for anyone who finds themselves doing too much, fixing too much, or carrying teams that should be able to carry themselves. The book’s power lies not in complex models but in simple questions, delivered at the right moment, with the right intent. Here are a few things that we took away:
Curiosity beats advice
The book starts with the central behaviour change: resist the habitual urge to advise. Most people assume that their expertise creates value. In fact, the opposite often holds. When you jump in too early, you limit exploration, narrow possibilities, and encourage dependence. Curiosity, not cleverness, unlocks the better path. Ask more (your expertise helps frame better questions). Tell less. Hold the silence. Let people find their own clarity.
Make coaching everyday, not exceptional
Many leaders think coaching belongs in a formal meeting. This creates pressure to perform coaching, making it feel forced, artificial, or rare. Stanier argues that the most powerful coaching happens in the corridor, at the end of a call, or in the two-minute gap before the next meeting. Small moments of attention, repeated often, build far more capability than a quarterly one-to-one. If you want coaching to matter, make it a habit, not an event.
Use the 3-P framework to focus the conversation
When someone brings an issue, the real problem is rarely the first thing they say. They might be stuck on a task (a Project), struggling with someone (a Person), or repeating an unhelpful loop (a Pattern). Asking yourself which of the three you’re facing helps you cut through surface noise. Coaching becomes crisper when both sides know what type of story they’re really in.
Ask only one question at a time
Many leaders fire off a rapid sequence of questions, hoping one will land. This is overwhelming for the other person and signals impatience. The discipline in coaching is to ask one clean question, then stay quiet. Silence gives room for thought. Most people are unaccustomed to being given that space. When they fill it, the insight tends to be deeper and more honest. Listening becomes the active work.
Learn the seven essential questions
Stanier distils coaching into seven simple but potent questions. Each has a purpose.
- The Kickstart Question, “What’s on your mind?”, opens the door and focuses attention.
- The AWE Question, “And what else?”, keeps the conversation from ending too early.
- The Focus Question, “What’s the real challenge here for you?”, helps locate the core.
- The Foundation Question, “What do you want?”, pushes past frustration into desire.
- The Lazy Question, “How can I help?”, prevents assumptions and avoids over-offering.
- The Strategic Question, “If you’re saying yes to this, what are you saying no to?”, anchors priorities.
- The Learning Question, “What was most useful for you?”, cements reflection.
Together, they create a rhythm that guides the conversation from confusion to clarity.
Name what the other person wants
It is easy to assume you know what someone is seeking: approval, direction, comfort, reassurance. But assumptions distort the coaching relationship. Asking “What do you want?” cuts through the emotional fog. The question is disarming because most people rarely articulate it aloud. When they do, the conversation becomes sharper. You also gain a boundary: you now know what outcome they expect and can decide whether you are the right person to help.
Notice your own habits
Every coaching conversation is shaped not just by the other person’s patterns but by your own. Stanier describes the “Advice Monster”, the instinct to jump in with solutions. To build the coaching habit, you need to catch your triggers. When do you leap into fixing? When do you interrupt? When do you rescue? Good coaching requires self-management before it requires skill. To build a new habit, make the behaviour tiny, tie it to a clear trigger, and rehearse it repeatedly until it becomes automatic.
Help people make trade-offs visible
Coaching is not simply about encouragement. It is about clarity. When someone commits to a priority, something else must be deprioritised. The Strategic Question highlights that every yes has a shadow no. When people see the trade-off, they make better decisions. They also develop a stronger sense of ownership. Boundaries matter. Good coaching illuminates them.
Close with learning, not logistics
Many leaders end conversations with action points or next steps. That closes the loop but misses the learning. Asking “What was most useful for you?” forces reflection. It helps the person consolidate insight into memory and strengthens the coaching dynamic. It also gives you feedback on what worked. The question is light, brief, and surprisingly transformative.
Build autonomy and connection at the same time
The ultimate goal of coaching is not simply to solve a problem. It is to strengthen the person. When you ask questions that help people think for themselves, you reduce dependence and increase capability. Teams become more resilient. People become more confident. And the relationship deepens. Coaching is not soft. It is a disciplined act of leadership that builds autonomy, mastery, and trust.
Bringing the ideas together
At the heart of The Coaching Habit is a simple shift: stay curious for longer. Most leaders want to be useful. The quickest way to feel useful is to offer an answer. The book shows that the real value lies in slowing down, asking a better question, and creating a moment where the other person steps into their own resourcefulness. The seven questions offer a toolkit. The ideas above offer the mindset. Together, they help you show up as a leader who grows people rather than carrying them, makes space rather than noise, and builds a team capable of thinking clearly even when you are not in the room.